She Doesn't Live Here Anymore

The loop. Who's in this thing anymore?  When I made the decision to move out of my home state I quickly realized that the Loop is a tempremental mistress who will leave you as quickly as she came.   When you've been a part of the Loop for such a long time it can be hard to be forced to break away from it's comfort.  Even with such social networking sites like Facebook where everyone you've ever known comes to chat together - the Loop is just out of your grasp.

I've lived away from Detroit a few times in my life but nothing as permanent as my current situation.  And yet I'm having a hard time making this new state feel like a home.  Even though that's exactly what it is; my new home.  Assimilating into a new community can be tricky business.  If you haven't done very much home work on your new town (like me; who has time to research their new city?  Just go with it.), how do you know the best neighborhood to move to?  How do you know what restaurants are the best?  What politicians to vote for?  What area's of town to steer clear of?  What companies are reputable to work for?  My brain hurts just from thinking about all the things I never had time to do before moving here, all the things I'm slowly learning as the time away from my old Loop gets more expansive.

I know many of you moved away for college and never looked back.  Some of you had to make hard choices to uproot your life for something better further away from your beginnings.  A lot of you moved away when you were too young to have formulated a real strong bond with your home town and you probably found that it was relatively easy to acclimate yourself to a new life.  I, on the other hand, moved away after already settling down surrounded by a wonderful core group of friends and family.  My said Loop.  But an opportunity arose that was too good to pass up.  A chance to get out of a rut that had taken hold of my comfy life.  A rut that I needed to bust out of as quickly as humanly possible; which turned out to be approximately 4 months.  That's how long it took us to accept the offer to move, get our house sold and buy something new in a new town with new neighbors and new lives.

A new life.  A fantasy of the statement is that you can reinvent yourself to be what ever you always pictured yourself to be.  Maybe you were weighed down by the chains of home, too many people to call you out and say "Hey, that's not the you I know and love".  Shenanigans.  But really, you've taken up residence in an area where no one knows who you are so truly you could do what ever you wanted.  Be whomever you wanted.  Perhaps some of you have taken this route?  Perhaps not.

I often felt like an imposter while looking out my new kitchen window over the first year or so after we moved here.  When I would look out the window I could see all the freshly cut grass and nicely gardened yards.  The kids would play on the many backyard jungle gyms scattered from house to house, laughing and carrying on.  All the neighborhood Men would grill in the summer and the Women would gather to chat about this or that.  But I always felt as if the neighborhood police would come banging on my door and call Shenangian's on me.  They'd see through my two story, four bedroom home and find out that I'm really just a home girl at heart who stepped out of Detroit for a chance at something better.  They'd see right through this persona of small town conventional girl to the heart of me; big city sass with delusions of grandeur.  They'd ask me to leave my quiet subdivision, but please make sure the yard has been freshly mowed before packing up.  I was sure at any moment they would all see that this new life was something very fake and foreign to me.  But they haven't.  That's one thing you can count on from your friendly Indiana neighbors - Trust.  A completely bizarre concept to me.  I lived in Oak Park for 5 years and didn't even know my neighbor's name's to say goodbye to them when we moved.  Seriously.

I've been struggling with this issue in various forms since the move almost 5 years ago.  I can't really believe how long we've lived here, it's hard to fathom how the time flies.  But I find that I measure time by the years that pass since our move.  I know something has been at least 5 years ago if it occured while I was living in the Detroit area.  Which ages me every time something comes to mind.  It also reminds me how much life goes by without me being a part of it.  Oh I've kept in touch with a few of you better than others and I think we're all to blame for that a little bit.  Those of you who I speak to regularly can still bring out that spark of Detroit that resides deep within my personality.  You can take the girl out of Detroit but you can never take Detroit out of the girl.  And I appreciate those special moments we share where all inhibiton is thrown like caution to the wind and I get to remember what it was I loved about being from Detroit.  But so many of you have become like mere acquaintances anymore and the bonds we once shared have become weaker over time, frayed and strained. 

At first I tried very hard to cling to my roots, I got a Red Wings sticker and a Made In Detroit sticker for my car - an attempt to represent.  I talk about my life in Detroit a great deal with my new friends and coworkers, I have nothing else to talk about.  They all know how I feel about the traffic, the politics, the sports and the current state of the economy.  I read the e-mags (Metro Times, the Idler) the e-newspapers (Free Press) the local e-TV news stations (Fox 2), I even streamed music sations live (WCSX, WRIF) for a while (I didn't know the local stations well enough) regularly just to stay apprised of the happenings.  I read more about local Detroit topics than of my own community.  I couldn't identify with anything happening here, it's all a blur of names I don't recognize and situations that mean nothing to me.  I also made many trips back to Detroit to visit friends, family.  I came for as many birthday parties, weddings, funerals, graduations, holiday's and just because's that I could afford.  I began to feel obligated to show up for every event in an effort to remain present in your lives.  Not forgotten.  And also to remind myself of myself.  I may have previously stated that when you move away you can put on any life you want.  It was important to me not to let my core become lost in the melee of finding myself in this new place.  Trying to figure out how I fit here.  Where I fit in here.

I think I had an interesting, different and fun up bringing.  My life was filled with a lot of travel, culture and fun.  We didn't have TV to muddy the waters in our relationships, we were forced to talk to each other, interact with each other.  Something I fear today's youth will know nothing about.  Actual human contact.  I was taught that marching to the beat of my own drum was my right and it was thoroughly encouraged by both parent's.  By the time I was old enough to make a decision to join the ranks of the public school kids (previously being Home Schooled) blending in was beyond my comprehension.  I thought everyone was out there being themselves and not concerned what other people thought of them.  I thought people were open minded about who they associated with.  Boy was I wrong.  Public school turned out to be a mild nightmare at first, it took a couple years to get my bearings and feel comfortable with the friends I was making.  I tried very hard to hold onto my quirks, the little things I did differently that set me apart from the rest of the kids.  Most of you can attest that I was an interesting sort while in school.  Subject to much ridicule and admiration (although the latter seems very far fetched) and somehow I managed to graduate with my head held high knowing more or less who I was.  And having been accepted by my peers for being this person.

You may all be used to my odities but it's been tricky to find a way to make them fit here.  Especially because I'm not a young carefree kid who doesn't give a shit what anyone else thinks anymore.  Of course I have a better understanding of how the world works now.  How adults interact with each other - what is appropriate, what is taboo.  And while I am very proud of who I am, I found it increasingly more difficult to be that person anymore.  I've found little ways to integrate my idiosyncrasies into my daily life but it's still a breath of fresh air to have a conversation with a friend from before.  Someone who remembers me from before there was now.  Those of you who have shared such intimate moments of true unadulterated honesty with me.  You are so dear to me.  Those memories so dear. 

I think I felt that if I spent as much time back in Detroit as possible I could keep those memories fresh and they helped me feel safe.  But I've come to realize that while I may live far way those moments are not lost and I am no less myself here than there.  I still feel a horrible sense of guilt when I have to turn an invitation down but it's truly very unrealistic for me to continue on in this manner.  At some point I have to let go and just free fall into this new life.  Make it what I want and enjoy the new moments.  While I slip further and further away from the Loop my hope is that I've left an indelible mark on your lives and that our paths will cross from time to time and we will share a private smile for what was and what shall never be.